Intentionality vs. Unintentionality
If there’s one thing that shows up in every session I’ve done counseling couples, it’s unintentionality. Unintentionality looks like life. It’s the story of how most couples approached their relationship—and even their lives. What’s so interesting is couples are just the opposite while they’re dating, falling in love, and deciding to get married. They’re very intentional about it; about each other. Remember how interested you were to know this person? How they seemed so cool? How you wanted to spend all of your time with them? How you’d think about him/her during work? You liked this person so much, you started thinking about marrying them!
So, you did. ‘Well, there’s a honeymoon period.’ That’s true. But, something really important was already happening, and that thing is what led you here. Led you to search the internet for information about how relationships go bad. Led you to seek couples counseling, maybe. What was happening? Well, we all seem to start taking our relationship for granted—and each other. We get focused on next goals. We check the box. ‘I achieved marriage!’ Now, I shift my attention to my career, and a house, and a new car, and kids, and getting those kids to their milestones (crawling, walking, talking, big girl underwear, getting kids to soccer and crafts, and parent-teacher conferences, and the bigger house, and, and, and THUD (Hey, I did it. Twice.)!
You’re tired. You look up from that pile on your desk, and it hits you. What am I doing? Am I even happy? My partner feels like my roommate—or worse, my sister. He’s always annoyed with me. She thinks I’m dumb. He treats me like his mother. She doesn’t even like me. All we do is argue. How did we get here?
Does this sound familiar? I hear this story in virtually every couple. Each story has slightly different details, but the cycle is the same. By the time couples come talk to me, they feel hopelessly stuck. The lucky ones see their stuckness earlier on and seek help. In fact, seeking help for your situation may be the first intentional thing you’ve done for your relationship in years. Interestingly, there is sometimes what I call a first-session bump. This occurs because it feels good to finally be doing something—to finally focus and commit some resources to US! About half of my couples feel this bump and use it to propel a successful and satisfying counseling experience.
Ignorance does us in. You don’t know how to be married. Neither did I, and neither does anyone else I’ve ever talked to. No bad guys, no plots—just ignorance. And, not the kind that’s an insult. The real ignorance that’s just not knowing. It’s not like we had good role models for relationships. Heck, they didn’t know either—and neither did their parents. Bad people break laws. None of the people I’m talking about are bad people. Their only crime is not knowing stuff. And, there’s a lot of stuff to know!
A couple of examples are in order. So, we all know we’re supposed to communicate. Well, what in the heck does that mean? When we use the word, do you think we have the same thing in mind when we use it? Maybe I think communicate means having 3 hour conversations about our deepest feelings and you think communicate means tell you when I’m running late. So, which one is communication? Both of them! This ties into the gift of more information. I want us to be really connected (what does that mean?) and I took the car to get the tires rotated are both communication. Silence is communication. Facial expressions are communications (eye-rolling or disgust), body posture is communication, tone, pace, proximity. We’re sensing animals, and we can pick up criticism from 100 miles away! Communication is really complicated. But, we always say we should work on communication. Know wonder we get started on the wrong foot!
So, maybe intentionality is defining our terms. What is reassurance? What is connection (mentioned that one)? What is ‘happy marriage?’ What is comfort? How do you reassure or comfort? How do you create connection? Learning to translate stuff into the same language is very intentional!
Another example of intentionality is letting our partner know how we’re doing and caring about how they’re doing. ‘How do you feel about us today?’ I can’t imagine a better, more intentional question to ask! ‘You know what I’m feeling great about us, and I’m excited about our future.’ Partner: ‘Awesome, I feel great about us too, but I have been missing you. Can you pull away for 15 minutes to just spend some time together?’
Yet another example is giving each other the gift of more information. I come home upset because some clown on the I-35 put himself before me (like that never happens). I’m grumpy. I’m not mad at my wife, but how does she know? All she sees is I’m angry. She experiences me as short, cryptic, agitated. She starts writing her own story about my anger with her and how unfair I am, and how I don’t care about her really and probably don’t even want to be with her anymore. FULL STOP! I don’t want my wife to feel like that. That’s terrible. Let’s back up and try this again. I come home upset because some clown on the I-35 put himself before me (like that never happens). I’m grumpy. Knowing I don’t want my wife to spiral into some negative story about herself (and me), I tell her, ‘hey, I’m really upset because of this guy driving home. I am angry, but I want you to know it has zero to do with you. I feel great about us. Give me a couple of minutes, and then I’ll come find you and say hi like a husband!
How would you feel if you were my wife in this example? I’ve intentionally removed you from the bad guy role. YOU’RE fine. It’s me that’s upset, and I’m looking forward to calming down and spending a quality evening (and greeting) with you—my favorite person on the planet. Being intentional averted a relationship disaster and instead created an opportunity for connection. See how this works?
Anyway, I could go on endlessly with examples of how using intentionality can help you make a great marriage you both love being in. Part of me wants to do that. But, I don’t want you to get overwhelmed and stop reading. It’s too important. So, please just spend some time thinking about how this would change how you both experience your marriage. As bad as unintentionality is for us, intentionality is a pillar for marriages we absolutely love being in!
Starting the right conversation seems daunting. We get so stuck! But, you can manage it, and I’m here to help! Contact me at (512) 522-6115, or request an appointment by clicking the CONTACT ME button below. I’d love to answer your questions about starting couples therapy!