Slow It Down!
Something I see come into my counseling room a lot is partners whose minds are going 100 miles per hour—often followed pretty closely by their mouths. Sorry quiet people this doesn’t mean they’re broken in any way. They’re just different than you are. It’s actually okay that this shows up in the counseling room. I know that’s probably what happens at home too. So, I get a pretty good first-hand look at how the couple gets stuck. After sitting with this pace for a bit in the first session, I might notice it out loud to my couple. ‘Hey, I notice you have a whole lot you’re thinking about and want to say. I get it. And, I want to hear it all. But, I wonder if we can slow things down some because I want to try to understand how this works for you both. I also notice that while you’re rocket ship is sailing at light speed, your partner seems unsure how to fit into that space, and you already told me how you wish your partner talked more. Is it okay if we give this a try?’
The less-verbal partner is used to staying quiet. But, that doesn’t mean they’re not experiencing anything or thinking stuff. They are. In fact, they could be quite activated--might even be flooded, which raise an entire issue around survival responses and fight, flight, or freeze. That conversation is for another blog. I’ve never seen one of these folks not care what’s going on. They’re just different than the talkers. My goal in session is to bring both partners into a new conversation together, and that can’t happen with the old communication style that’s not working for them. So, we slow things way down and start pulling their experience apart some by making each partner aware of their own process. Usually, your partner is very familiar with YOUR process (laughing at the memories this brings up for me). Our own processes are harder to get a good angle on.
So, the person whose processing everything super fast is frustrated with what they see as a lack of participation by their partner. They’re open to hearing what their partner has to say. I’ve also found the quieter partner is perfectly willing to talk when provided the space and time to process what they want to say and then deliver their thoughts at their own pace. I don’t often get much push-back on slowing things down for couples. From either side.
What does slowing down look like? How do you do it? Well, it’s not like the couple thinks initially. The quiet one tends to jump to the conclusion this means they get to flee the conversation and avoid the discomfort. As you can imagine, pretty upsetting for the faster processor. That’s not at all what I mean by slow it down. I want both partners to feel safe to say what they want to say (though I might reframe some particularly hurtful barbs). So, what we’re changing is literally the pace of the conversation. I show the couple how to slow their speech, how to create space between thoughts and sentences, and how to break the conversation into smaller bites. We’re just slowing everything down.
It’s amazing how much impact slowing the process down has on the outcome. It seems nothing else gives couples as much hope they can change the way they communicate as slowing it all down in therapy. When they can transfer those new skills to their personal lives, that helps to create the safety to be able to face just about anything. Of course, there is more to relationships than that, but slowing things down when you start treading into troubled waters is a great place to start.
It’s an amazing skill to be able to slow things down and keep the relationship temperature cool. It’s empowering and hopeful. I’m here to help you learn the skill and practice together—executing this skill in your personal lives outside of counseling! Contact me at (512) 522-6115, or request an appointment by clicking the CONTACT ME button below. I’d love to answer your questions about starting couples therapy!