Love Languages
There are a number of things I hear consistently from my clients. One of the most common is hearing about my clients’ love language. Gary Chapman originally published the 5 Love Languages in 1992. It was reprinted in 2015 and went viral.
The 5 Love Languages is an interesting read, and it has the added benefit of having created a greater conversation around relationships. But, I’m not as big a fan of the book or its ideas as most people I’ve talked to about it.
Let me be honest here. I’m a critical consumer of information—a product of my research and statistics background. I imagine I frustrate friends and colleagues alike when they send me an article or a book, and I come back with some long paragraphs about the flaws in the thinking or the methods or the conclusions. There’s never work I’ve read that is above criticism. I don’t view professional criticism in the same way others do. It’s an invaluable tool we need in the search for understanding. I believe it’s what we’re supposed to do when we read something. And, it advances the conversation—hopefully creating a ‘product’ that is better after it’s been purified by fire.
So, back to The 5 Love Languages. While I don’t dispute the existence of love languages, I do dispute that they are what it’s all about. I also dispute that these 5 attributes are what is important to understand about love or what to DO to make relationships great. And, I don’t think these 5 ‘languages’ are equal. I think this is backed up in conversations from the counseling room.
To start, couples are confused about how to use the information. Some people talk about how the book teaches them to show love to their partners. For example, ‘my husband’s love language is physical touch, so I make the effort to touch my husband more.’ Others talk about how their partner should accept how they show love. For example, ‘My love language is acts of service, so when I do things for for my wife, that’s me showing her that I love her, and she should notice me showing my love.’ The emphasis is on whose job it is to do the interpreting. In example 1, the responsibility is on the wife to recognize her partner’s love language and act on that knowledge. In example 2, the responsibility is on the wife to notice the husband is doing things for her as an act of love and then to feel loved.
There are problems in each scenario. One problem is neither approach seems to actually work in practice; especially over time. And, there are reasons for that. In some ways, attending to your partner’s needs or having them notice yours is really hard when the resentment in the relationship has rooted. Or, how about this? How do you feel about giving to your partner when you’re starving to death? Love languages don’t focus on how to heal from attachment injuries or how to lower the temperature on conflict or how to build/rebuild trust, or how to even feel like your partner likes you again. Love languages can be disconnected tasks that require partners to pretend like there aren’t real problems in the relationship. It’s smarter to notice what isn’t going well and to try to do something about it.
The 5 Love Languages is a 30-years-old book, and while it has its benefit and has moved the football a little, it doesn’t do enough to help couples change their relationships from a set of negative patterns to a relationship both partners love being in. That’s the key. How do we create a marriage both partners love being in? Let’s talk about that!
It’s hard to know what to do when things aren’t going well in our relationships. We might read books and try every idea in them. But, a lot of stuff just isn’t helpful in the end, and that’s sort of the whole idea. You need something that works. Honestly, this is where the right kind of couples counseling can be really powerful. If you need some help getting your relationship back on track, please contact me at (512) 522-6115, or request an appointment by clicking the CONTACT ME button below. I’d love to answer your questions about starting couples therapy!