Reassurance
I learn a lot from my clients! And, I truly love learning. One thing I’ve learned is that most people don’t actually know what most of the words mean we often use in and around relationships. Hey, I didn’t either. I never had anyone challenge me on it when I used one of these terms, and I never asked anyone what it meant to them—or what it looked like. It never occurred to me back then that I didn’t know. But, I didn’t.
So, let’s look at an example! Here’s one of these words: reassurance. Look the word up in a dictionary, and you’ll get something to the effect of, ‘the action of removing someone's doubts or fears.’ Okay. That sounds reasonable. Sounds like a good thing to do. Ummm, but I have some questions. How do you do that? What does it actually look like? How do you know when you’ve done it right?
Great Questions!
Let’s take them one at a time. How do we do it? First, we have to understand exactly what our person is feeling. What is he really afraid of? What is she having doubts about? SUPER IMPORTANT! How do you find that out? [secret helpful relationship tip] ASK! Yep, we can just ask. With curiosity. Without judgment. Without criticism or accusation. Ask with the intention of learning more. Then make a reassuring statement like this (question 2):
‘Hey Gwen, it sounds to me like you’re asking me for reassurance. I want you to love being in this marriage, so I’m glad to tell you how important you are to me. I’ve been loving our marriage. It’s my center, to be honest. There are zero other places I’d rather be than with you right here. I am so glad you came to talk to me!’
That’s what it looks like. So, how do we know if we did it right (question 3)? That’s right. We ask!
Check in. You can ask (and I really love being direct):
‘Okay, so how did I do? The million-dollar question—Do you feel reassured?’ [give ample time to respond or even expand thoughts or feelings. Stay attuned and present.]
So, this is just an example of one type of situation. Your partner may need reassurance about parenting or about a job or another relationship. As a partner, you never want your favorite person on the planet to feel like they have to go it alone in the world. You’re allies, NOT adversaries (look for this blog!). Chances are nobody else is stepping up to join either of you, so being there for each other is life-sustaining (okay, exaggerated MAYBE, but just a little). And, it builds trust, safety, and connection. Reassurance would probably be a pillar of relationships if I was thinking in terms of pillars. Or, maybe just a brick in an ‘allies, not adversaries’ pillar. I’ll have to think about that one some more. Anyway, the final thought is learning the language and how to use it takes a lot of practice. But, the rewards are immeasurable. I hope you’ll talk together about reassurance in your relationship and give it a try!
Learning to understand the words we use in relationships isn’t easy. But, not knowing the language can be scary and make us feel inadequate, which leads us to remain silent. But, you can learn the language and how to use it. I’m here to help! Contact me at (512) 522-6115, or request an appointment by clicking the CONTACT ME button below. I’d love to answer your questions about starting couples therapy!