The Gift of More Information
In the absence of information, we too often write our own stories (we make assumptions). The problem with the stories is they come from our own pain and fear, and they are almost always wrong. Our partners are never the hero of the stories. They’re the villains. You know what? You wind up being the villain in your partner’s stories too. Who wants to be the villain? I don’t, and I’ll bet you don’t either. So, how do we escape this cycle? Well, we help our partners not write the story to begin with. We can do this by pushing more information into the relationship.
Let’s give an example. You come home in a bad mood from work. You’re quiet, or your movements are even agitated, you’re sighing, you’re short in your greeting. You’re just trying not to spill your frustration on everyone and everything. Even the dog knows to give you some space. We’ve all been in this place, and we know what it feels like.
What’s your partner’s experience? They notice something’s off, of course. You’ve been together a long time, and nobody knows you better. Your partner asks you how your day was. You tell her it wasn’t great, but you’re short in your answer. Your partner’s brain is already starting to spin. Is this because of a bad day, or did I do something wrong? We were mad at each other last night. Is he still mad about that? Is he even happy with me? He always gets quiet and short when he’s mad at me. Is he mad because the house is messy or because I’m not helping him get the kids in bed on time because I’ve been late getting home twice this week?
In this example, her mind is racing toward all of these wrong conclusions, and that’s the last thing you want to deal with. You come home frustrated from your day at work, and now your partner is heaping all of this baggage onto you!
STOP. Stop everything. Choose love.
Imagine now if you’d come home and said, ‘Hi honey, before we even go into this cycle we get into, I just want you to know I am upset. I’m angry at my boss, and I’ve got a great little internal rant going on. Zero of this is about you. I don’t want your brain to start spinning wondering what you did wrong. You did nothing wrong. I feel great about us right now (assuming you do, no need to lie, but we’ll talk about that later). Okay, I’m going to go pout for about 15 minutes, but I’ll come find you and check in with you when I’m done.
What happens for your partner? Now, she KNOWS you being upset has nothing to do with her. She knows that you care about what she’s experiencing. She knows you feel great about her and your relationship. She knows this is a temporary space you’re in, and in a while, you two will be able to feel better together. She also knows you had a bad experience at work, and she can ask you if you’d like to talk about that or if you’d prefer to see that rant through. She has the space to say, ‘Oh, that sucks. I’m sorry you had a bad day. If you want to talk about it, I’m glad to listen.’ She takes your cue and continues whatever she’s doing. She’s not thrown into relationship distress, because she knows it’s not about her. There are no obstacles to connecting when you’ve completed your internal rant.
What is the cost you pay for this relationship win? A little more information. That’s it.
Now, it’s important to note this can come from the other direction as well. In this example, you come home, you’re distant or angry—hard to tell exactly which it is. Your wife could say, ‘You seem angry. I’m already starting to write my own story about why. I always seem to be wrong when I do that. Does your anger have anything to do with me?’
Since your relationship is in a good spot and you’re really just angry about work, you can say. ‘No, honestly it’s not about you. I feel great about us. I love where we’re at and where we’re going in our relationship. Don’t write a bad story about us. You can write a bad story about my job—and my boss because she sucks! But, you know what? I don’t even want to talk about that right now. If I can get a mulligan, I’ll tell you about it in 15 minutes after I’ve settled down. Deal?’ Interesting side note: Intentionally notice if you don’t start calming down already.
One little relationship hack. Giving your partner the gift of more information. And, this tidbit of relationship gold can come from either side at any time. You just turned something that was about to be disconnecting into something that is connecting and affirming. Relationship Win!
If you are struggling to communicate with your partner, and you’re just not sure what to do—if you feel stuck, I’m here to help! Contact me at (512) 522-6115, or request an appointment by clicking the CONTACT ME button below. I’d love to answer your questions about starting couples therapy!