Why Marriages Fail
In the United States somewhere in the neighborhood of 50% of marriages end in divorce. Second marriages? The probability of success declines. Third marriages? Declines further. Those are some bleak numbers.
So, I’m something of an ethnographer and I talk to people to try to learn what is successful—what creates long-lasting marriages. I seek out couples who’ve been together for 50 years. Or, even more. Do you know what I learned about their success? Most often, when I pull on the threads in their stories, I find the difference between those marriages and the marriages that end in divorce is no difference! I hear the same complaints, the same types of stories, the same dissatisfaction. So what holds some marriages together and fails to hold others together? Well, it seems to be belief, stubbornness, or resilience. The couple never allowed divorce to be an option. Sometimes this belief was based on faith (religious belief about marriage), sometimes people just determined not to divorce no matter what, and sometimes people have little hope that a new relationship would be better.
So, why would I, a huge marriage/LTR (long-term relationship) advocate bring this up and make you feel even worse about marriage? Well, because I want you to know that we’ve all been doing marriage/LTRs wrong!
And, why wouldn’t we do them wrong? We’re not taught how to DO marriage. We’re not taught what ‘communication’ actually means—or what it looks like! We’re not taught what is a great marriage or what that looks like. Most of us didn’t have a good role model for marriage. And, you know what? It’s not your parent’s fault. They didn’t have a good role model for marriage either. There’s certainly no marriage manual. And this makes complete sense. Think about it. Why aren’t couples that have been married 70 years telling the rest of us how they had marriages they sorely loved being in? Why aren’t there loads of giddy little old couples excited to share the adventure of their lives with us when it’s so obvious the world is floundering and has been floundering in marriage and family? Well, they’re not pumping out books because they’re just like us. They didn’t know.
And, that’s the topic of this blog. Marriages fail because of ignorance. Trigger alert! I just cried a tear for all of the pain and desperation turned to futility and hopelessness—and ultimately to divorce and broken families. We’re done in by ignorance. Not monsters or villains, crazy partners or pandemic narcissism or willful neglect or gross incompatibility or the lack of good relationship options or even being unlovable/unworthy. We lose because we’re ignorant.
As a side note, I’ve spent nearly all of my adult life intending to be a relationship guy. I’ve always wanted to know, and I’ve wanted to be a good partner—a good Dad even. Yet, I have an early divorce notched into my bedpost, and I nearly had another one after 17 years of marriage. I didn’t get it. I was like every other married person I’d ever talked to. I started learning what it meant to be married the day my wife Yvonne walked out. She didn’t just decide to walk out. In fact, I started the divorce talk. I had convinced myself that I didn’t need the marriage. I didn’t need her. This will get way too complicated for a blog if I continue down this path, so I’ll just say I was wrong. About me. I learned that same night that I didn’t want to live without my best friend. I had no idea that it would send me careening down an unexpected and foreign path that would ultimately lead me to return to school at 52 to get a second Master’s degree (in Marriage & Family Therapy this time) and create with my wife the best 7 years I’ve ever experienced. Simply put, I love my marriage. It is at this point everything I ever dreamed it could be. We’ve been married for 25 years in October (math is all off a bit because of rounding), and I’m literally excited about every day of our future. I look forward to seeing my wife every day. The privilege of holding that feeling is indescribable. But, I want you all to feel that like I do.
I’m not sure why. I’m not sure why then. But, I started learning what marriage was about. I studied relationships in school, I studied them outside of school. I study them in the counseling room. I study my own. I learned. Ignorance and unintentionality (important word) dropped away, and it all started making sense to me. It’s so powerful, and I want so bad to tell you everything in this single blog, but there’s way too much information for that. The important takeaway is that the reason you can’t seem to make your marriage work is simply ignorance, and if you both want to learn how to have a marriage you love being in every day, you can have the marriage you dreamed of. This is what I’m passionate about, and it’s going to be what I write about in this blog. There’s no shame in being ignorant. Nobody wrote us a marriage manual. How were we supposed to know? Well, it’s time to start putting the manual together, because marriage is too important to human beings to continue in ignorance any longer. Let the journey begin!
It’s often really confusing when an important partnership starts feeling more like roommates (yeck!). That’s just not what we signed on for. But, I’m here to help! Contact me at (512) 522-6115, or request an appointment by clicking the CONTACT ME button below. I’d love to answer your questions about starting couples therapy!